Spam
by Bushy Squirrel
Summary: Since when did O'Neill email Sheppard? Rewrite of 'Atlantis Emails'. T for Language
1. O'Neill

**A/N: **This is a complete rewrite of 'Atlantis Emails', for the purpose of reformatting and a small bit of content addition. It's been four years since I wrote the original story. I hope my skills have improved in that time and I can create a better story for you.

~Stargate~Stargate~Stargate~Stargate~Stargate~Stargate~Stargate~Stargate~Stargate~

Sheppard sat in his office, bored out of his mind. Colonel Carter had taken AR-1 off the rotation list so they could catch up on paperwork. Only, Sheppard didn't have any. His recent stint in the infirmary gave him all the time he needed to catch up.

Hoping to find something to provide him some entertainment, Sheppard opened up his email account. He blinked a few times when it registered in his head that he had gotten an email from General O'Neill. On his personal email account. Granted it was part of the Atlantis/SGC mainframe, just like his official email, but Sheppard hadn't realized that O'Neill knew what his personal email was.

* * *

><p><strong>From: <strong>GeneralFlyBoy**  
><strong>

**To:** ClownsWillEatMe

**Subject:** If you get bored...

Hey, Sheppard.

Just thought I'd check in with you. Hope you're not letting anything happen to my favorite Air Force colonel. She's a national resource, that one. Anyway, found out that Carter grounded AR-1 for the time being so I decided to be merciful and give you something to occupy yourself with. Tootles!

O'Neill

_Quiz Yourself, Get To Know Your Friends_

1. What is your name?

**General Jonathan O'Neill.**

2. What's your job?

**Head of Homeworld Security**

3. What would you rather be doing right now?

**Be back at the SGC.**

4. What _should_ you be doing right now?

**Going over the paperwork I received from the Joint Chiefs. Lovely, lovely paperwork.**

5. What's your favorite TV show?

**The Simpsons.**

6. Movie?

**The Simpsons Movie.**

7. Person?

**Homer Simpson.**

8. Do you have a crush on anybody?

**Now why would I tell you that, Johnny Boy?**

9. What is your fondest memory?

**I would have to say the day we got Danny-boy back from his ascension...**

10. What is your worst?

**There are too many, in my history with the program.**

11. Banana.

**Pineapple-orange.**

12. Do you want to retire?

**I was _supposed_ to retire eleven years ago...**

13. Who are you sending this to?

**Lt. Col. John Sheppard of Atlantis.**

14. Why?

**We flyboys gotta stick together!**

15. Who's your best friend?

**Danny-boy**

16. Gotta secret you haven't told anybody?

**I was Black Ops. I got tons of secrets I haven't told anybody.**

17. Sci-Fi or Fantasy?

**Science Fiction, despite my better judgment.**

18. Do you play an instrument?

**Nope...don't plan on it, either.**

19. What is your most embarrassing moment?

**I led an SG team for several years. Pick a report.**

20. Anything you want to add?

**Get everyone's answers and share! I need a good laugh...**

* * *

><p>Blinking in surprise at the email's contents, Sheppard reread it a few times before he fully comprehended that the General had sent him an email chain and expected him to share it with everyone else in Atlantis. Shaking his head bemusedly, Sheppard clicked 'Forward'.<p> 


	2. Sheppard

McKay collapsed onto his bed in relief. He luckily got through the day without having to clean up any messes his idiot scientists created. Off for the rest of the night, McKay looked forward to actually getting some sleep.

It wasn't to be, though. Almost mockingly his tablet computer beeped at him, loudly declaring he had a new email. Growling, McKay sat up and snatched the tablet off his side table. He was slightly confused to see that he had no new emails when his brain reminded him to check his personal email. A few taps later, McKay was glaring at his personal inbox which boldly showed that he had a new email from Sheppard.

"Seriously. You'd think the man would just could just talk to me in person..." With an irritated sigh, McKay opened the email.

* * *

><p><strong>From:<strong> ClownsWillEatMe

**To:** ImALemon

**Subject:** Rather interesting

McKay

Got this from General O'Neill...thought it was kinda fun...

Sheppard

_Quiz Yourself, Get To Know Your Friends_

1. What is your name?

**Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard**

2. What's your job?

**Base Commanding Officer of Atlantis, Team Leader of AR-1**

3. What would you rather be doing right now?

**Surfing**

4. What _should_ you be doing right now?

**Reviewing my paperwork to make sure I didn't make any mistakes.**

5. What's your favorite TV show?

**Monday Night Football**

6. Movie?

**Remember The Titans**

7. Person?

**Johnny Cash**

8. Do you have a crush on anybody?

**Kinda**

9. What is your fondest memory?

**Flying one of the Jumpers over Old Lantea for the first time.**

10. What is your worst?

**When we lost Elizabeth.**

11. Banana.

**Strawberry**

12. Do you want to retire?

**Not for a long, _long_ time.**

13. Who are you sending this to?

**Dr. Rodney McKay, Ph. D., CSO of Atlantis, Technical Officer and Research Specialist for AR-1**

14. Why?

**Why wouldn't I?**

15. Who's your best friend?

**Reread answer 13. I'm too lazy to retype all that.**

16. Gotta secret you haven't told anyboy?

**I was fat as a kid. Wasn't in any sports and was majorly unpopular. Didn't lose any of the weight until puberty hit and I shot up a couple feet in height.**

17. Sci-Fi or Fantasy?

**Gotta go with Fantasy. My life has too much Sci-fi to deal with...**

18. Do you play an instrument?

**Guitar. Keep it right next to my bed.**

19. What is your most embarrassing moment?

**When I watched the security tapes of when I had Thalen in me...**

20. Anything you want to add?

**Just fill it out and pass it on, Rodney...**

* * *

><p>McKay scoffed in disbelief as he started reading the email, but went quiet as he continued on. Sighing in defeat, knowing Sheppard would ask about it since he went through the trouble of filling the email out and forwarding it, McKay shifted to lean against his head board and fill out the email with his own answers.<p> 


	3. McKay

As tempting as it was to throw her tablet off the Tower balcony, Carter refrained. She accepted this job knowing everything that went with it. But all the reports were making her go cross-eyed. Rubbing her temples for a few seconds, Carter switched from her work email to her personal one. She definitely needed a break.

The expected onslaught from her old team mates and O'Neill met her eyes, along with a few emails from a few people in Atlantis. What came as a surprise was the email from McKay, time-stamped for the previous night. Now curious, Carter clicked on that email first.

* * *

><p><strong>From:<strong> ImALemon

**To:** CoffeeLover

**Subject:** I'm not the only one who needs time off.

Seriously, Sam. You've been working much harder and longer than even I have been lately. Don't think I haven't noticed. So, after reading this ridiculous thing that Sheppard sent me, something caused me to fill it out myself and pass it on to you. I think I might have been mentally infected last time I was off-world. I should have Keller check it out...

-McKay

_Quiz Yourself, Get To Know Your Friends_

1. What is your name?

**Dr. Rodney McKay**

2. What's your job?

**Chief Science Officer of Atlantis, Scientist for AR-1**

3. What would you rather be doing right now?

**Sleeping**

4. What _should_ you be doing right now?

**Going over the projects the new scientists are doing. They don't know jack shit about the technology here, could ruin one of the labs, but Radek kicked me out of the labs anyway. He insisted that since there wasn't any 'incidents' today that I should take the rest of the night off.**

5. What's your favorite TV show?

**Don't watch much, actually...**

6. Movie?

**Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy**

7. Person?

**Einstein**

8. Do you have a crush on anybody?

**Why would I answer such a personal question?**

9. What is your fondest memory?

**Getting Atlantis to fly with only part of a ZPM**

10. What is your worst?

**Doranda**

11. Banana.

**Lemony-fresh... And dear god, why in Pegasus did that pop in my head?**

12. Do you want to retire?

**When I can find somebody who is actually _willing_ to take my job, and is capable of doing so. Meaning not any time soon.**

13. Who are you sending this to?

**Colonel Dr. Samantha Carter, Leader of Atlantis Expedition**

14. Why?

**If I must be subjected to Sheppard's nonsensical forms of entertainment, then so should you.**

15. Who's your best friend?

**Lt. Col. 'I gotta volunteer for _every single_ suicide mission'**

16. Gotta secret you haven't told anyboy?

**I have three kids. A 22 year-old and twin 16 year-olds. Please don't make me explain...**

17. Sci-Fi or Fantasy?

**Mix of both. I may live a science fiction lifestyle but that doesn't turn me away from the genre.**

18. Do you play an instrument?

**I play a little of the piano. As you know, I always wanted to be a pianist.**

19. What is your most embarrassing moment?

**When I got shot in the ass with an arrow off-world, and Carson had to use morphine on me. Come to think of it, I don't think I have all the copies of _that_ particular security tape. I should double check the mainframe tomorrow.**

20. Anything you want to add?

**I hope you find this as ridiculous as I did. I seriously question the point of emails like this.**

* * *

><p>Carter openly laughed as she read over McKay's answers to the question list Sheppard forwarded to him, gaping at the computer at the answer to question sixteen. Mentally telling herself to corner McKay alone sometime, Carter happily opened up a new email so she could forward the questions and her answers to another person.<p> 


	4. Carter

Letting out a yawn, Jennifer slipped into a chair at one of the tables in the mess hall. She was lucky enough to start her work day a little later than usual so she was taking the time to eat a proper breakfast and look over her emails. Popping a grape in her mouth, Jennifer opened up her inbox.

"Hey, Jennifer..." She looked up smiling as a man joined her at the table, curiously without any food.

"Good morning, Rodney! Did you get a good night's rest? I heard about the new scientists." Jennifer let out a small laugh as McKay groaned.

"I am definitely wondering where those idiots got their degrees. They somehow manage to mess up the simplest of instructions. Radek had to kick me out of the lab last night because it got to the point where I was yelling at them more than actually working." McKay rubbed his temples, a head ache already forming at the mere thought of having to deal with them again. "Anyway, just thought I'd stop and say hello, delaying the inevitable."

"Well, thanks." Jennifer replied with a tone of humored sarcasm. She took a drink of her juice as she skimmed over her work email. Jennifer's eyebrows rose when she saw that she had no new work emails. "Wow. I guess I'm not doing any work during breakfast. Empty inbox."

"Lucky. Now, I should probably go save Radek. I'd bet a month's salary that he's already in the lab. See you later, Jennifer."

"Later, Rodney." Waving goodbye at the scientist, Jennifer switched from her work email to her personal one. She smiled when she saw she had an email from Carter. Jennifer was slowly building a friendship with the woman, a bit understanding of her position as a newcomer.

* * *

><p><strong>From:<strong> CoffeeLover

**To:** DrWisconsin

**Subject:** Pure boredom...

Hey, Keller!

I'm normally not one to fill these types of things out, but I need the break from the paperwork and thought you'd enjoy a little break as well.

Carter

_Quiz Yourself, Get To Know Your Friends_

1. What is your name?

**Colonel Dr. Samantha Carter**

2. What's your job?

**Head of the Atlantis Expedition...that still sounds strange.**

3. What would you rather be doing right now?

**Honestly, I'm still missing SG-1 something fierce.**

4. What _should_ you be doing right now?

**Going over paperwork. And more paperwork.**

5. What's your favorite TV show?

**Doctor Who**

6. Movie?

**Labyrinth**

7. Person?

**Daniel Jackson. He's the reason why the Stargate Program even exists.**

8. Do you have a crush on anybody?

**I prefer not to use preteen terminology.**

9. What is your fondest memory?

**Finally defeating the Replicators. My dad was there...**

10. What is your worst?

**I had to be the one to tell Cassandra Fraiser that her mother was dead. I never want to experience something like that again...**

11. Banana.

**...with chocolate.**

12. Do you want to retire?

**I love the Stargate Program too much to retire any time soon.**

13. Who are you sending this to?

**Dr. Jennifer Keller, CMO of Atlantis**

14. Why?

**McKay was the first one to come to mind, since any chance to irritate him is a chance worth taking, but he's the one who sent this to me. Sheppard beat me to the punch...**

15. Who's your best friend?

**Currently, Vala Mal Doran.**

16. Gotta secret you haven't told anyboy?

**-singsong voice- We went to the moon, in 1969...**

17. Sci-Fi or Fantasy?

**Fantasy. I live in a Sci-fi world...**

18. Do you play an instrument?

**I have always wanted to learn how to play the Cello.**

19. What is your most embarrassing moment?

**During that first year on SG-1, I ended up getting infected off-world. I later found out that in my 'notmyself'ness, I tried to seduce Colonel O'Neill. Couldn't look at him in the face for a week.**

20. Anything you want to add?

**Hope this was a nice little break for you, Keller. I know I'm ready to attack the dreaded paperwork again.**

* * *

><p>Jennifer smiled widely as she read the email. She was glad to see that she wasn't the only one trying to involve the Colonel in the little community they had going here on Atlantis. Granted, McKay wouldn't count in the eyes of some people but as a member of AR-1 he was on friendly terms with most of Atlantis. His actions with newcomers guided others on how to act with the person, even if most of the city wouldn't admit to it. Double checking the clock on her computer to see if she had enough time before work, Jennifer clicked 'forward'.<p> 


	5. Keller

Lorne pinched the bridge of his nose as one of the new recruits, yet again, failed the test he had set. At this rate none of them would be joining any off-world teams.

"How many times must I tell you people? Pegasus isn't like the Milky Way! Apprehended weapons from the Wraith stun on the first, second, and every shot you take with them! They are not designed to kill, they are designed to harvest!" A chuckle could be heard behind him. Extremely pissed off by the newbies, Lorne turned around to yell at the person when he realized that it was Sheppard. "Sir..."

Sheppard shook his head in evident amusement, pushing himself away from his leaning position on the doorway.

"Relax, Lorne. They'll eventually figure it out. They won't have a choice. Why don't you take a break before you end up strangling one of them?" Lorne sighed in defeat, nodding in agreement.

"That sounds like a good idea, sir. Never before have I thought that training the scientists was easy compared to this." Sheppard full out laughed at him this time. The new recruits took this chance to end their training session and dashed out the other door.

"The scientists are civilians, Lorne. We can teach them things that we can't teach the marines because it'd clash with their formal training."

"Name _one_..." Lorne crossed his arms while he waited for his commanding officer to answer.

"Torture. We're required to teach the marines in a way that follows the Geneva convention. This means we can't teach them things like water boarding. But the civilians, like _McKay_ for example, can be taught how to do it because we're _technically_ not teaching them anything. We're just...answering their questions." Lorne froze, soaking all of that in.

"You haven't been teaching Dr. McKay how to torture people, have you?" Sheppard rose his eyebrows at the question.

"No. I'm just saying that McKay has a _steep_ learning curve." The smirk on Sheppard's face told Lorne everything the man wasn't actually saying and more than he wanted to know. Going pale at the thought of any of the civilians, let alone McKay, being able to torture anyone Lorne nodded.

"I think I'll take your advice and take a break."

"Good plan since the recruits you were training high-tailed it outta here a couple minutes ago." Turning around, confirming what Sheppard just said, Lorne sighed in relief at not having to face any more new recruits at the moment. He turned back to Sheppard with another nod.

"Yeah, a break sounds good." Shaking his head in amusement at Lorne's weary tone, Sheppard turned and left, leaving the Major alone in the training room. Lorne quickly made his way over to his things and collapsed onto the bench. After a few calming breaths he decided to check over his emails.

* * *

><p><strong>From:<strong> DrWisconsin

**To: **MajorArtist

**Subject:** To pass the time

Hello, Evan.

I heard that you got stuck with having to teach the new military recruits this time around, so I decided to forward this on to you. Hopefully you'll get something to laugh about from this.

-Jennifer

_Quiz Yourself, Get To Know Your Friends_

1. What is your name?

**Dr. Jennifer Keller**

2. What's your job?

**Chief Medical Officer of the Atlantis Expedition**

3. What would you rather be doing right now?

**Relaxing back at home, in Wisconsin, with a certain scientist...**

4. What _should_ you be doing right now?

**Nothing, really. My shift doesn't start for another half an hour.**

5. What's your favorite TV show?

**House**

6. Movie?

**Back to the Future (all three)**

7. Person?

**The certain scientist I mentioned in question three.**

8. Do you have a crush on anybody?

**Said certain scientist**

9. What is your fondest memory?

**When I was given my medical degree.**

10. What is your worst?

**I have several, because several terrible things have happened in my time here...**

11. Banana

**and peanut butter sandwich**

12. Do you want to retire?

**I haven't really thought of it, before.**

13. Who are you sending this to?

**Major Evan Lorne, 2IC of the Atlantis Military Contingent and Head of Security**

14. Why?

**It's an act of mercy on my part. You need a distraction from the new recruits.**

15. Who's your best friend?

**I would have to say Dr. Miko Kusinagi. We partner up a lot during Girl's Poker Night every week.**

16. Got a secret you haven't told anybody?

**There's a reason why it's a secret.**

17. Sci-Fi or Fantasy?

**I've always loved fantasy.**

18. Do you play an instrument?

**No, I don't.**

19. What is your most embarrassing moment?

**When Colonel Carter, Dr. McKay, and I were underground in the Genii mining facility, it was mentioned that we might have to make a rope with our clothes. Not exactly knowing that we weren't going to make it right at that moment, I started to undress. I had my jacket off and my shirt was halfway there before I noticed that Colonel Carter and Dr. McKay were looking at me rather weirdly...**

20. Anything you want to add?

**You tell ANYONE about what happened with Carter and McKay and I'll bring out the big needles during your next check-up. I learned quite a few things from Dr. Beckett...**

* * *

><p>Lorne snorted a few times, laughing out loud when Jennifer declared her email an act of mercy on her part. Thinking back over everything he knew about the woman and how well he'd gotten to know her since she took over after Dr. Beckett's death, Lorne could honestly say he wasn't that surprised by any of her answers. They were completely and utterly <em>her<em>.

Glancing at his watch, Lorne realized that he still had some time to spare before he needed to get back to work. He thought for a few minutes before opening a blank email.


	6. Lorne

The two scientists Radek was swearing at scurried out as soon as he turned to what they had been working on. Radek rolled his eyes at their actions. He couldn't believe how idiotic they were and wondered how they managed to make it into the Stargate Program with such poor work performance. Just when he thought he had nothing to worry about, McKay walked in.

"Saw Smith and Delaine run outta here like bats outta hell. What happened?" Radek sighed, turning to look at McKay with a flustered expression.

"They make huge mistakes. Almost make new artifact blow up. How you deal is big mystery..." McKay rose his eyebrows at Radek's broken English. Normally the man was rather fluent.

"Well, then take Miko off of the shield booster project and transfer their work over to her. We can put that project on the back burner at the moment." McKay took the laptop from Radek to look it over. Shaking his head at the equations McKay gave the laptop back to Radek and headed over to his station.

"Radek, when did you get here this morning? You're more irritated than normal." Radek twitched as he set the laptop down.

"Who said I left?" That made McKay instantly turn in his seat to look at Radek in surprise.

"You've been here all night? Jesus Christ, Radek, go get some sleep! You kicked me out last night. Well, I'm kicking you out now. I can't have one of the few intelligent scientists here collapsing on me in the middle of an equation." Grumbling, making to protest but stopping at the look on McKay's face, Radek surrendered and handed over a different laptop.

"All the work I did last night. Should be obvious what I was thinking. I will be back later."

"_After_ you've slept, Radek. _After_ you've slept." Rolling his eyes at McKay's mother henning, something he knew the man would deny to his dying breath, Radek grabbed his personal laptop from a nearby table and headed out the door.

It didn't take long for Radek to return to his quarters on auto-pilot, nor did it take long for him to prepare for bed. But just as he was about to lay down, he broke down and gave in to the urge to check his email one last time as he mentally denied the idea of him being as much of a workaholic as McKay was. Grabbing his laptop, Radek opened his email. He was surprised to see an email from Major Lorne and wondered why the man hadn't emailed Rodney if he needed assistance with something.

* * *

><p><strong>From:<strong> MajorArtist

**To:** CzechItOut

**Subject:** Don't ask...

Honestly, Doc, I have no idea why I'm passing this on to you. It might have something to do with the conversation I just had with Colonel Sheppard. Don't tell anyone I said this but he can be down right creepy when he wants to be...

_Quiz Yourself, Get To Know Your Friends_

1. What is your name?

**Major Evan Lorne**

2. What's your job?

**Second-in-Command of the Atlantis Military contingent, Head of Security, commander of AR-2**

3. What would you rather be doing right now?

**Beating the crap out of a few new recruits...**

4. What _should_ you be doing right now?

**Taking a break, which I am...**

5. What's your favorite TV show?

**Law and Order**

6. Movie?

**Die Hard with a Vengeance**

7. Person?

**The man who invented alcohol, at the moment. It changes...**

8. Do you have a crush on anybody?

**Not at the moment.**

9. What is your fondest memory?

**Being off-world with SG-1 the one time I had the chance to do so. Amazing, seeing them work...**

10. What is your worst?

**It's classified**

11. Banana

**Sorry. I prefer blueberries.**

12. Do you want to retire?

**Damn, it's too early in my life to think of retirement.**

13. Who are you sending this to?

**Dr. Radek Zelenka, 2IC of the Atlantis Science Department**

14. Why?

**No offense, Doc, but I'm doing this email out of pure boredom and the need to relax. And you're not likely to go after my throat for sending 'spam' emails.**

15. Who's your best friend?

**Chuck, the Gate Techie...(annoys him to hell when I call him that. -grin-)**

16. Gotta secret you haven't told anybody?

**Black Ops. Every secret I have is classified.**

17. Sci-Fi or Fantasy?

**I live with enough of both, thank you very much.**

18. Do you play an instrument?

**No, but I _do_ paint.**

19. What is your most embarrassing moment?

**I think I've had too many to think of just one.**

20. Anything you want to add?

**Not really. I don't usually participate in chain emails.**

* * *

><p>Radek did a double take at first when his brain registered what Lorne had sent him but could understand why once he read question 14. The Major was not wrong. He did not have an opinion either way about chain emails. Closing his email, Radek made a mental note to forward it when he woke up.<p> 


	7. Zelenka

Teyla pulled the borrowed laptop closer as she lay on a bed in the infirmary. On the team's recent mission she had broken her leg in a couple places and was to remain in the infirmary until Dr. Keller thought it was healed enough for her to move around on crutches. Smiling at the game programs McKay had obviously forgotten he had loaded onto the laptop before borrowing it to her, Teyla opened the Stargate Program Intranet and logged in.

Ironically, Teyla had first thought that the idea of this 'intranet' would have been rather boring when McKay and Zelenka had described it to her as they worked via video with Colonel Carter. But now that it had been put to use for over a year now, she thought it quite entertaining. Not to mention it made many things easier around Atlantis. It took over a lot of paperwork that pertained to the team missions, making it easier to fill out for the Pegasus natives like her, and it made it easier for her to plan things out with friends throughout the city when she was too busy to talk with them in person.

Opening the 'inbox' for the 'email' that McKay had created for her, Teyla skimmed over the different subjects of the emails she had not read yet. Several of them had to do with past off-world missions. She paused, though, when she came to an email she had received from Dr. Zelenka. Smiling, Teyla clicked that one open first.

* * *

><p><strong>From:<strong> CzechItOut

**To: **AthosianGirl

**Subject:** Some more entertaining Earth culture

Greetings, Teyla.

I do hope your stay in the infirmary is not as dull as the others have been leading me to believe. Major Lorne forwarded this to me and I figured that it would be a rather entertaining way for you to learn more about Earth culture. If you wish to send it on to someone else, just copy and paste the questions into a new email, delete my answers, and type in your own. If any of the questions seem rather odd to you, blame it on our rather weird sense of humor. Do not feel left out if you do as we tend to find our sense of humor strange, ourselves.

-Zelenka

_Quiz Yourself, Get To Know Your Friends_

1. What is your name?

**Dr. Radek Zelenka, Ph. D.**

2. What's your job?

**Second-in-Command of the Atlantis Science Department**

3. What would you rather be doing right now?

**Working on the department's big project we have going right now. It's very important.**

4. What _should_ you be doing right now?

**Sleeping. Rodney kicked me out of the labs when he came in this morning. I mean, I _did_ get some sleep, but I think Rodney meant more than three hours when he told me to get some.**

5. What's your favorite TV show?

**Star Trek, the Original Series**

6. Movie?

**Dune**

7. Person?

**Sir Issac Newton**

8. Do you have a crush on anybody?

**No**

9. What is your fondest memory?

**When the Intergalactic Bridge worked for the first time.**

10. What is your worst?

**Project Arcturus**

11. Banana

**Apple**

12. Do you want to retire?

**I haven't really thought of it.**

13. Who are you sending this to?

**Teyla Emmagen, Leader of the Athosians and member of AR-1**

14. Why?

**I figured you would want to learn a bit more about Earth culture instead of teaching us about the different cultures of Pegasus, for a change.**

15. Who's your best friend?

**Best friend? I cannot say I really have a friend that fits the definition of 'best friend'. My closest friend, though, would have to be Dr. McKay. (But I would never tell _him_ that.)**

16. Gotta secret you haven't told anybody?

**A few.**

17. Sci-Fi or Fantasy?

**Even though my life is full of it, I would have to choose Sci Fi.**

18. Do you play an instrument?

**No**

19. What is your most embarrassing moment?

**I would rather not say...**

20. Anything you want to add?

**If you find anything about this confusing, Teyla, just ask. I'll be glad to come and explain it to you.**

* * *

><p>Teyla had to admit that Zelenka was right. She found emails like this very interesting. She had discovered that the people of Earth were more willing to share details about themselves if they were not face to face with the person they were telling them to. Waving at the nurse who was passing by on her rounds to check on the patients, Teyla meticulously went through the actions McKay had taught her to 'copy' and 'paste' text in documents. Happy she managed to do it without making a mistake, she did as Zelenka said and deleted his answers in the new email.<p> 


	8. Teyla

**IMPORTANT NOTE:** I do realize that Tagan is actually Teyla's mother and that Torren is her father. However, this story is a rewrite of one that I wrote before that information was known to the fans so I had decided to keep everyone's answers basically the same, even if some details are wrong.

* * *

><p>Ronon was shocked, to say the least. The fact that the people from Earth expected him to actually use one of these things was unbelievable. Growling at a passing marine that had slowed down to try and help him out, Ronon was close to throwing the stupid 'laptop' at the wall as the terrified man scurried away. He was about to raise it to do so, as well, when he heard giggling and stopped. Looking at the source of the giggling, he glared at the woman.<p>

"You think this is funny, do you?" She nodded at his snapped question, walking the rest of the distance between them to sit down. She leaned against his arm trying to catch her breath, earning a death glare from him.

"I am sorry, Ronon. It is just so amusing to watch you try to use a laptop. Here, let me help you." Miko Kusinagi took the laptop from him and set it on her own lap. "What do you want to do?"

"Sheppard said I needed to check something called an 'email' from now on to get team information and stuff." Miko nodded with her lips tightly pressed together, clearly still amused.

"Well, then you are lucky you are friends with one of the scientists who helped Drs. McKay, Zelenka, and Colonel Carter set up the Intranet. I can tell you anything you want to know about the system." Typing away, Miko did a double take as she brought up Ronon's email account and laughed again.

"What now?" She paused, turning to look at him.

"Dr. McKay is clearly the one who made your account. Your account name is 'Caveman Conan'." Ronon let out another growl, which pulled a smile from Miko. "Relax. It's actually kinda cute. After all, his own personal account has the word 'lemon' in it, going the ironic route. But back to what you wanted. There's nothing here about any missions. All of the email subjects just look like they're about trivial things. Looking for any emails from someone specific?" Ronon shrugged.

"Teyla send me any?" Skimming the list for him, Miko nodded.

"One. It says 'Strange Earth Humor' in the subject line. Sounds interesting." Clicking it open, yet another laugh escaped her and confused Ronon completely.

"You know, I could easily get McKay to help me with this." Slowly catching her breath, Miko handed the laptop back over to Ronon.

"Read that. If you want to do anything in response to it, I'll help you."

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><p><strong>From:<strong> AthosianGirl

**To: **CavemanConan

**Subject:** Strange Earth Humor

Dr. Zelenka sent this to me, Ronon. He said it would help show how strange Earth culture can be. I am inclined to agree with his assessment. If you wish to send it to someone else, fill in your own answers to the questions and forward it on.

_Quiz Yourself, Get To Know Your Friends_

1. What is your name?

**Teyla Emmagen**

2. What's your job?

**Leader of the Athosians, member of AR-1**

3. What would you rather be doing right now?

**Relaxing in my own quarters**

4. What _should_ you be doing right now?

**Staying right where I am, in the infirmary.**

5. What's your favorite TV show?

**I have taken a liking to the television show, Star Trek.**

6. Movie?

**I would have to say that I like the movie 'Jason X'. It is, to quote John, a rather corny movie. But there is a certain...charm to it.**

7. Person?

**I would have to say my father, Tagan.**

8. Do you have a crush on anybody?

**No, I do not.**

9. What is your fondest memory?

**When my father took me on my first trade mission.**

10. What is your worst?

**There are many.**

11. Banana

**I like them with the caramel dipping sauce the kitchen has for the apple slices they put out for breakfast and lunch.**

12. Do you want to retire?

**There is no such thing for me.**

13. Who are you sending this to?

**Specialist Ronon Dex, member of AR-1**

14. Why?

**Why would I not?**

15. Who's your best friend?

**Lieutenant Laura Cadman. We spend a lot of time together and partner together during Girl's Poker Night.**

16. Gotta secret you haven't told anybody?

**Very few, if any at all.**

17. Sci-Fi or Fantasy?

**I would have to say Sci Fi, since that is what Star Trek is.**

18. Do you play an instrument?

**No, I do not. I can sing, though.**

19. What is your most embarrassing moment?

**I will not say.**

20. Anything you want to add?

**I suggest you get someone you trust to assist you in filling this out if you decide to do so, Ronon. Rodney was not pleased the last time you broke a laptop out of frustration.**

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><p>Snorting at Teyla's 'suggestion', Ronon shook his head and pulled the laptop closer to himself so he could read the keyboard.<p>

"I'm fine, Miko. I know how to work these things enough to send this on to Sheppard." Miko's eyebrows rose in amusement at Ronon's insistence.

"Alright. Dr. McKay has called me to the main lab so I'll be there if you need anything." Giving Ronon a pat on the shoulder to show she wasn't trying to be mean with all her laughing, Miko gave him once last smile before leaving him to fill out his new email.


	9. Ronon

John bit his lip as he read over the report he was holding. Carter was on his ass, majorly, to get paperwork done. The last time he had checked he caught up on it all during his recent stint in the infirmary. It was like the stuff had started breeding when he wasn't looking. Letting out a sigh of resignation, John signed his name at the bottom of the report and reached for another one. He didn't particularly like being stuck in his office for long periods of time like this. Normally he just let the room collect dust when he wasn't using it for private dressing-downs of smart assed marines.

Dropping his pen, John slowly massaged his temples to try to get his headache to go away. He was starting to go cross eyed from reading all this 'devil work'. Hearing his laptop beep, John groaned and reached for it. At least emails were easier to get through. Opening his inbox to see who wanted his attention this time, he let out a laugh of relief to see that it wasn't work related and happily opened it.

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><p><strong>From:<strong> CavemanConan

**To: **ClownsWillEatMe

**Subject:** Your planet is weird...

Really, Sheppard. You all have a strange sense of humor. And why do we have to use a laptop again?

_Quiz Yourself, Get To Know Your Friends_

1. What is your name?

**Specialist Ronon Dex**

2. What's your job?

**Member of AR-1, Rodney McKay babysitter**

3. What would you rather be doing right now?

**Sparring**

4. What should you be doing right now?

**Going over those stupid emails you said I have to be reading.**

5. What's your favorite TV show?

**Haven't watched any.**

6. Movie?

**Predator**

7. Person?

**Melena. But if we're going for someone living, probably one of my teammates.**

8. Do you have a crush on anybody?

**No**

9. What is your fondest memory?

**The death of the Wraith who made me a Runner.**

10. What is your worst?

**Melena's death**

11. Banana

**Makes good bread. Gonna have to get more of that if I ever get dragged to Earth again.**

12. Do you want to retire?

**Not an option for me.**

13. Who are you sending this to?

**Lt. Col. John Sheppard**

14. Why?

**Can't think of anyone else to send it to at the moment. Got this from Teyla. Not stupid enough to send this to McKay. He would consider this nonsense.**

15. Who's your best friend?

**Don't know. From how the term has been described to me, probably Sheppard.**

16. Gotta secret you haven't told anybody?

**Yep.**

17. Sci-Fi or Fantasy?

**Huh?**

18. Do you play an instrument?

**No, so don't ask.**

19. What is your most embarrassing moment?

**Like I'd tell _you_.**

20. Anything you want to add?

**This laptop business is bullshit.**

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><p>Shaking his head in humored disbelief at Ronon's email, John added it to the folder he created to hold all the emails of this chain. Several people had forwarded their own emails to him when they found out about General O'Neill's request but John could tell from reading them all that several emails in the chain were missing.<p>

Rodney's was a glaring omission. He knew Rodney sent his on to Carter, unsurprisingly. That the usually talkative Canadian made no mention of its contents, though, made John pause as he considered asking about it. There were very few secrets in that man's life that he hadn't shared with his teammates. Whatever it was would have to be big if he was willing to tell the Queen of Secrets – a nickname Carter earned by being a member of SG-1, though not one to call her to her face – via email.

Keller's was also missing. Lorne mentioned in passing the day before that he was forwarded the email from her, joking that it was an act of mercy from the kind woman, but said nothing else. John's gut told him that Keller's was simply embarrassing and shouldn't be sent on to O'Neill.

Double checking the list of emails to see that he had all the ones that _would_ be sent to O'Neill, John transferred them all into a text document before attaching it to a brand new email and sending them to General O'Neill with greetings from Pegasus.


End file.
